Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Balance

(Photo c/o Runner's World)

How does one balance:

Family/Friends
Work
Fitness
Obligations
Sanity
????????????????????????????????????????????

Don't look at me. I certainly don't have the answers. Too much time is spent on focusing on the negative; more time needs to be spent on examining the positive. Or at least in my world, I spend too much time focusing on the negative. Like my hopeless career. Everyone expects a miracle cure, and nothing is ever "good" enough. Little successes (like getting a student to take off a hat) or big successes (like a structured essay) don't matter. The kid with no hat still wants to get water and the essay is still lacking higher level analysis.

Seriously?

And like the little kid with the abusive parents, I still keep waiting for the pat on the back. The "Good Job!" I'm not asking for much, here, people!

And then, after being thoroughly exhausted from entertaining students like a circus conductor all day, picking up after them (literally, candy wrappers, soda bottles, pieces of paper), rearranging desks forty-million times (WHY CAN'T THEY NAIL THEM DOWN?!?!), talking over them for 45 minutes at a time, I come home and run.

And then, by the time running is over, there's cooking.

And then, just when I sit down, it's 10:00 and I know that if I don't go to bed, I'll be exhausted in the morning when I have to repeat the same commands, demands, expectations, and exasperations. But, I can NEVER fall asleep. School runs through my mind constantly, my lesson isn't good enough, what IS my lesson, how do I get the students to pay attention to me, can I still perform cartwheels? My mind certainly can, turning and twisting all night into restless "sleep" with school-related nightmares abounding. Because, no matter what I do, and no matter what I have to show for it, it's still not enough. It's not the student's fault for being lazy, or the parent's fault for not disciplining, it's mine. And there are absolutely no consequences for anyone--student, parent, or me. But I'm always the one who feels guilty in the end. Like I haven't tried enough, or done enough, or worked hard enough. And I start to feel guilty for my own "leisure time" as if I should be working 24-7 to assist students who for the most part won't pay me no mind and will put me down and curse me out.

But, I'm still going to run that marathon. This Saturday. And I'll deal with the rest of it later. Like Scarlett O'Hara. Tomorrow sounds good. Yes, I'll worry about it tomorrow. When the beer is free.

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